I'm sick of this shit

As you can probably tell, we got some really crappy news today. Out of 24 eggs, 16 original embryos and 13 that were still "normal" as of Friday....we have ONE that was quality enough to be biopsied today. Let me repeat that, ONE that made it to blast. We actually have 5 blasts....however, 4 of them are of the lowest possible quality you can have. The cells that would eventually become the baby, are completely in disarray.

So after bawling on the phone with the head of embryology lab and then bawling again on the phone with Dr. Surrey who called me personally because I'm sure John from the lab told him I was a disaster........we've decided to skip the testing on our one little quality blast. I mean, does it really matter at this point? If it's abnormal, it just won't implant. We paid $5,350 for this additional testing out of pocket and with our luck we would waste that money just to be told, with our luck, that's it's abnormal? They already biopsied it, but are going to refund us the rest, minus the cost of biopsing because they haven't shipped the cells yet. As I was bawling, I told Dr. Surrey we neded that money to adopt and it would be a complete waste. He agreed that at this point, we should just go ahead with the frozen transfer of our 3 frozens and be done with this shit....shit was my word, not his.

We went to CCRM because they are the best in the country and we were hoping to get some answers. I think we definitely got some answers....some really sucky ones....but answers nonetheless............we create crappy embryos together. Plain and simple. He said that neither of us is necessarily the "problem." Adam's sperm and my eggs just apparently hate each other. As individuals, they are each great, but they come together and just don't mesh.

We've decided to do a frozen transfer of our 3 embryos we have frozen. We have 1 frozen and PGD'd from IVF #1, another one frozen from FCI from IVF# 3 and now one frozen from CCRM from IVF#4. Basically, one from every Dr. we've had over the years. So now we wait for my period to start and start prepping for the transfer, which will be a lot sooner than early June now. Is there a chance, it could work? Yes.......but a much higher chance that it won't or i will just miscarry again. The sooner the better as far as we're concerned. The sooner the transfer won't work or our embryos won't survive the thaw, and our hearts can be broken again, and the sooner we can move on to adoption. Like I said, I'm sick of this shit. $25,000 down the drain with this ONE cycle.....at least with adoption, we pay $30,000 and we WILL get a baby out of it. We will actually GET to be parents.

In other news, I had to take Cooper to the vet this morning because she now has bronchitis. Just what we needed. I have one freakin embryo, a blind dog and now a bronchitis infected dog on top of it. Life just doesn't get much better than this.

Adam and I are requesting no calls today. Neither of us really want to talk....at all. Adam is stuck at work, completely devastated. At least I can be home and cry. He has to stay at work and try to get through the day because of meetings etc. He is trying to come home early, but doesn't think he'll be able to. I want to just shut myself off from the world for a little while and deal with this on my own. I don't want to hear anything about a plan for us, or there's a baby out there for us, or any of that crap. The bottom line is that all my life I've wanted to be pregnant and give birth to the man I love's baby and that's clearly not going to happen, so please just let me deal with this overwhelming sense of loss and deal with it on my own terms and in my own way.

Love,
T & A