To clarify

'Heavy post" warning.......

I just re-read my line about God abandoning me and I wanted to clarify. I actually started crying when I re-read it because I don't think my thoughts came out the right way. I am not an overly-religious person, but I do believe in God with all of my heart. Talk about emotional huh?....must be all the drugs. :)

Anyway, what I meant to say was that over the last 4 years, my relationship with God has been tested. I'm sure it's a similar test that anyone dealing with anything that seems unfair has been through, and yes there have been times where I have felt completely abandoned by him. Infertility is not fair and has left me with a lot of questions. I mean, why me? One in every 10 couples goes through this....so why did Adam and I have to be in the category who is the 1 of 10? I have wanted nothing more than to be a Mom my entire life and Adam will make an amazing Dad.......so why us? Just because I have questions for God, doesn't mean I have lost my faith in him. To be honest, if anything, all of this has started to bring me closer to God again. I find myself praying a lot more and I also find that I am so much more thankful and AWARE of all of the good things he HAS given me in my life. My adorable and loving husband, my strong and close family, my unbelievable friends, my dogs who I love so much, my job, my home.....etc. etc. I am a VERY lucky girl. I just get frustrated when someone is given the precious gift of a child and they take it for granted....or worse, they abuse or abandon the child.....and then the anger and frustration builds up inside me and cuts me to the core with pain. Infertility is such an open wound. Everytime someone announces a pregnancy or has a baby, it hurts. Every time I see someone who is pregnant, it hurts. Baby showers....hurt. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely and honestly happy for all of my friends and family who are blessed with a child, but sometimes, well, it just hurts and the questions start all over again. Anyway, God and I are on good terms lately and all I can do is have faith in him at this point, so even though I don't understand why Adam and I are being put through this journey.....I still have my faith in him and I guess that's all the matters. :)

Sorry to get so "heavy," but it felt really good to write this post. :)